This is my mini journal about my trip to iowa. I know your wondering," why didnt she just write on her blog?" Valid question... no internet. So, with a little cut and paste from Word,, ..here you go.
Nov.1
Nebraska…woke up to Tornado sirens.
Freaked
Me..
Out.
I knew that they were for tornados because of the show ‘Storm Chasers’. If you haven’t seen it, they follow around they huge tornados and tell about the death and destruction that comes from them.
So as I realize what that means, I grab a blanket and proceed to find someone (hoping that they haven’t all already ran to the basement leaving me to sleep in my bed). I open my door and there stands my mom, … smiling.
“I thought that would get you up.”
It was a test.
The End
Tomorrow I’m going to see my dad. I’ve seen him once after he left. I think that was when I was 17. I feel really weird about it. Mostly because I don’t have any strong emotions pulling me either way. So I guess we’ll all just have to wait and see, won’t we.
Today my grandma took us out to this lunch/girly/dress up thingy.. in this tiny town called Loisvill. It was way cool. There were only like 4 shops and all of them were super girly and fuzzy and pink. And that’s about all the entire town had. Plus a train runs through the town. It’s like out of a movie.
Nov.2
I just got back from my grandma’s house. I re-met my dad and grandma, and I met my 2 half sisters, Katlyn (who is 8) and Cali who is 4). On the drive over I didn’t really feel anything. I was nervous only because I didn’t know what to feel. On one hand here was the man that created me, that was my father for the first 11 years of my life. On the other hand, here was the man that left my family 10 years ago.. a stranger. For so long he seemed like a man from a story. I knew about him and what happened but he was just the man in the story. He has been a memory for so long.
As we pulled up to the drive way I was struggling to think about what I needed to feel about what was about to happen, when we saw two little girls playing at the end of the driveway. Before I could get out of the car there they were with a hug.
I said," Hi. Whats your name?"
"cali. Whats yours?"
"Lauren."
"I have a big sister named Lauren."
..and that is when I realized what I was feeling. These girls already knew our names. They talked about my brother and I, calling us “my big brother and sister”. Katlyn had been asking for the past 2 years when she would get to meet us. She told me she loves watching the dvd my mom had sent them of me singing.
I finally turn to see what else is turning my world upside down around me, and I see my dad and my brother hugging, and my dad crying. MY brother, who didn’t even want to see my dad. He just wanted to see my grandma.
So we sat outside and talked. My brother and my dad talked a lot. Just trying to catch 10 years up in a little over an hour. They talked about work, Paulina and his wedding coming up. My dad said he really wanted to try and make it out for Jesse’s wedding if he was invited.
All the while I was bombarded with questions from Katlyn. Who bears a striking resemblance to myself. She loves to dance, sing, draw, perform. She wants to be able to play guitar and sing. She writes songs. I just wanted to cry at this point. I was so heart broken, but still so overjoyed about this child that I had never met before, but was me just 13 years ago. My little sister. My sister that somehow I had influenced, even when I didn’t know she was out there.
Even now I have to hold back tears. Will I ever see her again? Does she know that I love her in a way I didn’t know that I could, until she called me her big sister? Does she know that Jesus loves her even more than I do? It’s so sad for me to think all of these things.
All of the sudden I feel so much more of a responsibility to write. I always felt so crushed that my dad left me. He never tried to get a hold of me. But now I feel like, how could I have expected him to. He is weak, he is lost in this world. I have strength through Christ.(2 Cor 4:7) And I should have made the effort. I should have called or written. And now I see that. Now I feel that.
It wasn’t bad. I actually wish we could have stayed longer. My dad looked better then the brief time I saw him years ago. I can’t tell if he is still doing drugs or not, but he looks better. He told Jesse and I that he wants to keep in touch. He wants to call and write. I hope that is true. I think I can help that be true now.
2 Cor 12:15 “I will gladly spend myself and all I have for you, even though it seems that the more I love you, the less you love me.”
13:4 “Although he was crucified in weakness, he now lives by the power of God. We, too, are weak, just as Christ was, but when we deal with you we will be alive with him and will have God’s power.”
I have to love them, each one of them. They are hopelessly lost in this world and I might be the only one they know that knows the joy, healing, strength, purpose, comfort, and LOVE that God has for them. That He has always had for them.
I am so thankful that God has shown me what role I need to take now.
Thank you so much everyone that was praying for me.
.jpg)
